Note to JD in case you don’t bother to read to the end of this: This may sound self-indulgent and self-centered and some of my conclusions may be dead wrong, but these are my feelings. I’m feeling them and trying to work through them. And this is my blog so it’s my safe place to vent, so while you may not like what you read and you may not agree with it, this is mine).
Yes, it’s been awhile. Yes, for the most part I’ve been coping with the crap that life has to dish out, but not today. So here’s more of me shouting into the darkness because no one ever reads this blog and it’s more of a personal diary than anything else. To my knowledge, only one of my good friends even checks in here and she may have given up.
Today, I’m coming off a 15-hour stupor of sleeping pills and anti-anxiety medication. I slept because I couldn’t deal with the pain anymore and I hoped things would hurt a little less after I slept, but of course I woke up to another rejection from another stupid $15-an-hour temp job. I can’t even get a job for a $19,000 pay cut of what I used to make.
“Hi Joanne, have good and bad news. Allstate absolutely loved you, but they felt you would not be a fit for the position at this time. But, they do want to keep you in mind for other opportunities, which is a plus! We have received nothing but amazing feedback from your interviews, so I have no doubt we will find you something very very soon. Thank you for hanging in there!”
Sorry if I don’t believe them when they say they’re going to “keep me in mind” for other positions. Nielsen, IRI and Ipsos (all companies in my field) all said the same thing since January and I don’t have a job with any of those companies either.
But that’s just the vomit icing on top of the shit cake.
It all started back in August. I decided to release a CD of material I’d recorded over the past 20 years. I put up a Kickstarter and asked the guys in the band if they were OK with it being released. They offered to back me up if I wanted to play out. This brought me into contact with an old boyfriend who is in the band.
This man was and is the love of my life. I loved him like I’ve never loved anyone before or since. He broke my heart like no one else has before or since. I never fully got over him. He’s the one that got away. Not surprisingly an exciting flirtation broke out. He always made me feel like a queen (except when he was breaking up with me and picking up girls in front of my face), and this time was no different. And believe me, feeling special and feeling like a queen are things that have been missing from my life for a very long time.
But, after a mere two weeks of texting me and seeing me out four times in a bar he has decided I’m not what he needs and he couldn’t possibly love me. No chance to actually go on a date and get to know each other and see how we might have improved over the years. No chance for him to see how I’m not the same person I was when I was 19. Just, an EMAIL saying, “Sorry, Jo, I can’t love you.”
For someone who’s been feeling pretty unwanted and unlovable for the past seven years of their life, to be told that by someone you once loved to distraction is pretty fucking soul-destroying.
Let’s run down the list of people who have found me unlovable in the past 7 years besides my husband (who uses me solely for a comfortable roof over his head):
- The man I once loved more than anything itself and probably could have again. Did it make him feel good to know he was still attractive to a stupid girl who once love him to distraction? Who knows?
- The drummer who also needed the ego boost (because his wife won’t sleep with him), but apparently did not need me.
- The guy who used me for sex in between girlfriends, but couldn’t give me the time of day in public, not even to say a polite hello.
- The guy who just wanted a cute girl to fuck for two weeks until he went back to his girlfriend and kid.
- The guy before that who also didn’t bother to define his own feelings before fucking with mine.
- The guy who used me as his personal travel agent for a trip to California, Arizona and Las Vegas and then dumped me as soon as the trip was over
Let’s not even get into the girls that have claimed to be my “friend” while sleeping with my husband – there are five that I know about, but I’m sure there are more.
I need to stop putting myself out there. It just winds up in total fucking disaster. I can’t even begin to imagine what my heart looks like after having been ripped out, stomped on, spit on, sliced open, lashed with a whip and generally just treated like a piece of meat.
I spent 3 hours crying nonstop yesterday before dosing myself so that I could just sleep and deaden the pain. Unfortunately this is not an option today since I need to go to my shitty 10-hour-a-week, $9.50-an-hour job at Home Depot today and need to be alert while I’m handling people’s money.
So today is just a day to brazen through the pain, and then tomorrow and the next day and the next day. One day it won’t be there. Of course that just leaves me wide open for the next time. Oh, and I feel another tattoo coming on.